outfit details: boots, feud | bag, madewell | pants, all saints | tshirt, keene | chambray top, forever 21 | bandana, GAP | leather harness, JAKIMAC | sunglasses, BCBG | necklace, james avery
Men if you’re reading, I love you, I really do, but you’re like cake. I want to eat you, but you’re bad for my thighs. I’m committed to singledom at the moment. In keeping with the candor theme, I went out on a date with over 30 men last year and now, I just can't bare it. Most of these dates were acquired through OkCupid, two on Tinder and 3-4 in real life, imagine that. I quit online dating in February when I got serious about pushing this blog live and the goal is to reach 1,000 subscribers before I reactivate my love life. Clearly, I need your help. What I will do in the meantime is share stories, on Tuesdays.
Holy smokes. The number one thing I learned: people are so different. Ridiculously, utterly, impeccably unique. I conclude, people are crazy, every last one of them. It’s finding that crazy person, or that energy that jives with yours, however strange or new, it’s still so unbelievably familiar. That’s how you know, because it takes hold of you, swallows your whole being and ruptures. Anything scant of this, feels simply lackluster. And don't settle, there's too many crazies out there waiting for you!
The main reason I quit dating is because these encounters, however bizarre, terrible, and/or amazing, deter focus. While the success rate's slim, when it does work out, the beginning stages of relationships are a big commitment, emotionally and time-wise. Time I need to focus on building a foundation for my future and becoming truly secure and comfortable as just me, regardless of what or who might one day join me on this adventure. Don't get me wrong, I want love and maybe children some day (I am human), but for now, I'm completely letting go of that expectation. I don't know about you, but I'm still learning who me is, or rather, who I am. I know it's a lifelong process, but right now I want to get a little closer and reach some personal milestones before I invest my time into giving a crap about what another human is doing, needing, eating, feeling... all part of that whole relationship thing.
I am living alone, 3 miles from the beach; I feel obligated to exploit this chapter. I know a decade from now, wherever I am, I'll look back and wish for more.
If you're still dating (totally valid), here's some things to keep in mind as you venture:
don't set unrealistic expectations. If you're going on a date expect a drink, maybe a bite to eat, but don't go into it thinking you're about to meet Mr. Right. Try getting to know the person you're meeting before you start test driving their last name.
don't let it take up too much time. Turn off push notification, immediately. I know it's hard, but don't check your messages as frequently as your email. For starters, your iPhone battery can't support that kind of crazy and secondly, there are better ways to waste your time.
do you first. Sending back and forth messages, arranging the first date, and then the second... we all know about the delayed texts, missed calls and game playing that goes into this mating ritual we've come to know as online dating... Don't rearrange your schedule for someone you barely know yet, no matter how cute or perfect they seem.
listen, laugh and learn. When you're on the date, be present. You've made the decision to give someone your time, so follow through and try to learn something. I always look for restaurant recommendations at the very least. If the date doesn't go as well as you hoped, laugh it off, there will be another.
give yourself breaks. If you have a bad date or experience some heartbreak, give yourself time to mend and regroup. Going out on another date before your ready pretty much guarantees there won't be a second, so what's the point? Wait until you're ready.
If you're joining me in putting self care above love for the time being:
do you first. Even though you're not dating, work and friends still take up time. Make sure you're giving yourself the time you need before you give your time to others. You'll end up happier in the long run.
explore your hobbies. Now's the time to get back into knitting, strumming, painting, whatever it is you 'never have the time for'. The hardest part is starting, because you're rusty, but just do it. Read my post on resolutions if you need a little inspiration.
take a class, or learn something new. Explore; find something you love or always wanted to try. You don't need a boo to teach you new tricks.
still dress up, but just for you. If you're not dating, I don't recommend sitting at home in your pajamas, fresh faced and knee deep in a pint of ice cream until you decide to date again. Sure, some days are an exception, but you don't need a date for an excuse to look fly...
when you're lonely, call a friend or make a new one. Everyone gets lonely, it's a thing, but just because you're single doesn't mean you aren't loved. You have friends, so stop being stubborn and call them. Chances are, they like ice cream too.
If you're happy in your relationship, good for you! Also, stop telling us single folk that 'it will happen when you least expect it' because we're all sick of hearing it.
So, next Tuesday I'll tell you about the time I accidentally went on a date with a 21 year old from Long Beach. Stay tuned.
xo,
Lindsey
ps. Long term celibacy does not sound fantastic, so subscribe and tell your friends to join in on the fun!